I can't let go
by MadrigalProper3
Summary: Just another Nick and Zoe should be together story. What I wanted to happen during the blackout in series 24, although, I may add some twists and turns. I own nothing except my mistakes.
1. Chapter 1

"Wit woo, look at you" Zoe sang as Nick entered resus. "These are very nice..." she complimented him as he handed her his cufflinks.

"Yes, a girl bought them for me" he teased, offering his arm for her to put them in.

"Must've had impeccable taste this girl" Zoe played along.

"It goes without saying" came the reply.

"She must be pretty special, this girl" their banter continued back and forth.

"Well anyone who can put up with me must be pretty special" he whispered, aware that Kirsty had just entered the room.

"Oh, I dunno... maybe she was just crazy about you" she spoke quietly, taking hold of his hand.

"Listen, I hope you don't mind but I've called obstetrics to see if they can fit you in for a scan and they said they'd call down if anything became available. Is that alright?" Nick asked, their banter ended and the topic of conversation became much more serious.

Zoe's stomach dropped as Nick told her "Yea, of course" she played along as he bent down to kiss her, aware that Kirsty was scrutinising her every move. "See you later" she finished, kissing him again before walking away. She knew what she was doing was wrong but she loved Nick, more than anything and all she was trying to do was make him happy. Of course she felt guilty but she really thought that she'd manage to get pregnant, what with all the fertility treatment and the amount of sex she seemed to be having lately. A woman's sole purpose on this earth was to bear children and she couldn't even get that one right; her life was a complete and utter mess.

"He's in VF" the crashing of the resus doors interrupted Zoe's self pity.

"Ok, let's shock him" Zoe swung into doctor mode, picking up the paddles of the defibrillator. "Charging to one fifty" she put the paddles on "ok, shocking"

"Yes, back in sinus rhythm" Jay confirmed "Oh, Dr Hanna obstetrics called, they can fit you in for that scan later".

Zoe froze, she'd really hoped she could put it off for as long as possible but it seemed the truth was going to be revealed. "Yeah thanks Jay"

"_Nice house, garden...couple of kids"_

Nick's words played on Zoe's mind as she headed towards obstetrics; she wished he was here with her. It was horrible to think like this, shameful even; but if he saw her empty womb on the monitor he would be there to comfort her, he would assume it was a miscarriage and support her then they could always try again. For now she was alone, going for a pointless ultrasound so the midwife could tell her what she already knew. She wasn't pregnant.

"Ok, the jelly will be a little cold" the midwife informed Zoe as she lay on the bed.

Zoe rolled her eyes, she was a doctor she was well aware that it was cold. She felt her stomach muscles contract as it was squirted into her abdomen. Zoe lay back, closing her eyes and blocking out everything that was going on around her. She felt the scanner being pushed harder into her abdomen. She knew that the midwife was desperately searching; trying to give Zoe some hope before she had to inform her that she couldn't find a heartbeat. She held her breath waiting for the apologies to come.

"There it is..." the midwife said.

Zoe looked at her shocked. "Sorry?" she questioned.

"Your baby" she confirmed "I'd say you're about ten weeks pregnant"


	2. Chapter 2

"Nick, Nick I'm pregnant!" Zoe ran to greet Nick as he came through the resus doors. It was difficult to see his face in the light of the backup generators but she could make out that swagger from a hundred paces. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly "I'm pregnant"

Nick chuckled "Yes, I know. You've told me, it's brilliant" hugging her back "I take it you've been for a scan then?"

"Yes and I'm pregnant. We're having a baby" she pulled him down kissing him soundly "We're actually having a baby"

"Yes, pregnant. There's a baby inside of you. You and I had sex and now there's a baby inside you – I know what pregnant means silly" he kissed her back, running a hand across her slightly swollen abdomen. "So... do you have a picture?"

"In my bag, in your office" she replied, "the midwife said I'm about ten weeks along" she heard an incoming patient "I'll take this, shall I?" she hurried off to meet Jeff and Dixie as they brought the patient through to resus.

Nick wandered back to his office, delighted that everything had gone ok with Zoe's scan. He was so excited, even though his stoic face never showed his emotions, he loved Zoe. She knew that, she knew that she was his entire world, her and their baby. He sat at his desk, on hold to the police when he spied Zoe's bag. He smiled to himself, this would be the first time he saw a picture of his baby. He rummaged through Zoe's bag pulling out an assortment of things she probably didn't need to carry with her: Sunglasses, pain killers, make up bag and an assortment of empty coffee cups and cigarette packets littered the bottom of her bag. He pulled out the scan picture, grinning at the sight of his unborn baby, when a purple and white box caught his eye. He had assumed it to be a fag packet but it was different, in size and shape. _Protility_.

"Mr Jordan" Ruth burst into the office "It's Claire Ludlow. You might want to come now"

"Alright, I'm on my way" he replied, slipping the sonogram picture into his pocket and the drugs back into Zoe's bag. He headed towards resus in a slight daze. He wondered why Zoe never mentioned the fertility treatment to him; he could have been there for her, helped her.

"Hey" Zoe greeted him as he walked into resus "Are you ok?" she asked noticing the slight frown that graced his forehead.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked cryptically, grasping her hand in his.

Zoe looked at him in shock; she had no idea that he knew "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have lied but I thought if the drugs gave me a chance then we could be happy but then for all those months the tests were negative and I thought you would hate me. So when I went for a scan and I was pregnant..." Zoe garbled on "I just couldn't find the right time to tell you, I felt like a failure" she trailed off, allowing the tears to spill down her cheeks.

"Hey, come on now. There's no need for this" Nick encouraged. Wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs "I love you" he whispered "You know that don't you"

"I know" Zoe replied, sniffling "I love you too"


	3. Chapter 3

"I love you Mrs Jordan" Nick sighed as they lay in bed together. She was pulled back against his chest; his hand stroked soothing circles into her barely prominent bump.

Zoe smiled, it wasn't often she heard those three words. I. Love. You. She knew he loved her but it wasn't often he said it. "You know, you can't keep calling me Mrs Jordan, when you haven't actually married me yet" she spoke quietly.

"I guess you're right" Nick mused. "I suppose we'd better hurry up with those wedding plans then hadn't we..." he pulled her tighter to his chest and kissed the top of her head "We can't have you waddling down the aisle now, can we?" he joked.

"Are you calling me fat?" she chuckled; she knew he was kidding but they wound each other up every day, it was nothing new.

"No, of course I'm not. You're beautiful, you're going to be my wife and you're pregnant with my child. There could be no woman more attractive to me in the whole world" he reassured her.

"Good save" she replied, turning around to kiss him. "So this wedding, do I have an unlimited budget..?"

"I think we'll have to see about that" Nick joked; money was no issue for them, as a couple they were financially sound.

"Well, your baby wants a big wedding and I don't suppose you want to upset said baby's mother now, do you" she bantered with him. She pulled him in for a kiss, rolling on her back and manoeuvring him on top of her "besides" she murmured against his lips "My powers of persuasion go beyond emotional blackmail you know..." she wrapped her hands around the back of his neck toying with the hair at the base of his skull "I love you" she breathed as he entered her.

"So...this wedding" Zoe broached the subject at their breakfast bar the next morning over a cup of coffee "Can we set a date?"

"Mm..." Nick looked up from his paper "Whenever you want, I'll be there" he winked at her.

"Two months from today? How fat can I be at four months pregnant?" she looked at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for his nod of agreement "Well I'd better get planning then" she said as the nod of approval came. "Oh, and I'll need your credit card" she smiled cheekily as she picked up her laptop.


	4. Chapter 4

"Alright...I think that's everything done" Zoe sighed as she flopped down on the couch next to Nick, slotting in next to his side. The wedding plans were really stressing her out and at four months pregnant she was already feeling the strain. She had planned everything to a t: venue; a gorgeous manor house in the country, decorations; centrepieces, and flowers, cars; white Mercedes' for going to the venue and a white Rolls Royce for her and Nick to leave, clothing; her white silk dress had cost a fortune and Nick's tuxedo wasn't much cheaper. Their guest list was small and intimate; neither Zoe nor Nick was close to their family and their friends consisted mainly of the ED staff.

"I am impressed" Nick replied, kissing the top of her head and stroking her hair "You were working far too hard for someone in your condition" he felt like he had barely seen Zoe in the past three weeks; she was either working or planning their wedding, they hadn't had any time together for a while. "I've missed you" he murmured, teasing the shell of her ear with his tongue "While you've been spending all the money in my bank account, I've not got to spend any time with you for nearly three weeks" he turned her face around to look at his, kissing her gently, allowing his had to trail up and down her thigh.

"Nice moves doctor" Zoe chuckled, indicating the hand on her thigh "shame I'm not a teenage girl" she joked, pulling Nick's head back towards hers and kissing him again, allowing him to ouch her back and position himself on top of her. She kissed him as passionately as she good; glad everything had worked out between them, that the lies were finished. They were just a normal couple now.

"I love you, Zoe" Nick whispered as he kissed her again, sliding his hands under her dress and pushing it up and over her head "You are beautiful" he mumbled into her skin while he rained kisses over her bare skin.

"Mm and I love you" she sighed against his lips as he pushed himself into her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, drawing him in deeper "I can't wait to be your wife" she whispered as stars appeared behind her eyes.

"and I can't wait for you to be my wife; Mrs Jordan has an excellent ring to it."


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh, Zoe. You look beautiful" Tess gushed as she zipped up Zoe's dress.

"Yes, you definitely do" Jessica agreed "You look perfect."

Zoe looked in the mirror, smoothing down the creases of her dress. Her bump was rather prominent at the front of the dress; they hadn't told anyone they were expecting yet but Zoe assumed that most people knew – she wasn't hiding her bump. Her stomach done somersaults as her entrance music started, she had been looking forward to this day from the moment she decided she was in love with Nick Jordan. Today she would become his wife, Mrs Zoe Jordan. She was going to be walking down the aisle alone; she didn't need a man to give her away.

Nick held his breath as he seen Zoe at the other end of the room, she looked perfect. Her dress hugged her curvaceous figure and her bump was surrounded by the finest silk. He watched her float towards him; she was mesmerising. "You look stunning" Nick whispered as he took Zoe's hand when she approached him "I can't believe your mine..."

She leant forward to kiss his cheek "I can't wait for you to get me out of this dress" she whispered in his ear before taking a step back, holding both of his hands in hers and waiting for the registrar to begin.

"And do you Nick Jordan take Zoe Hanna to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

The registrars question brought him back to reality; he had been too busy picturing what Zoe would look like once he took that very expensive dress from her, "I do" he confirmed.

"Then you may kiss your bride"

He pulled Zoe closer to him, wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing his mouth to hers. He ignored the cheers and cat calls from their guests. "I love you Mrs Jordan" he whispered against her kisses.

"I love you too" she replied, taking his hand and walking back down the aisle "Now, we have a marriage to consummate"

Together they made their way to the white Rolls Royce that waited for them outside with assurances to their guests that they would meet them in the hotel for their reception.


	6. Chapter 6

Nick and Zoe's lips joined before the elevator doors had even shut.

"I can't believe we've actually gotten married" Zoe mumbled against his lips, slipping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer to her, slipping her tongue into his mouth. She pulled back, breathless "You always were a good kisser" she sighed toying with the hair at the base of his skull. She looked him straight in the eyes, pulling him down to kiss her again "I love you Nick Jordan" she whispered to him.

The doors of the elevator pinged straight open into the bridal suite.

"It's beautiful" Zoe sighed as she felt Nick puller her back against is chest, circling his arms around her front to cradle her bump "Me, you and baby on the way... who'd have thought it?" she laughed. She couldn't believe it – she was married, to the only man she'd ever loved and was pregnant with his baby. Her life couldn't get any better.

"Mm...Not as beautiful as you" Nick whispered in her ear, teasing hot kisses along the side of her neck and sliding his hands up her sides to cup her breasts, massaging them gently. "You look amazing, the only thing I could think of all day was how much I wanted you naked and underneath me" he told her, deftly untying the laces at the back of her dress, allowing it to pool at her feet. "Much better..." he groaned, spinning her around to face him and sliding his hands to cup her bum, forcing her hips closer to his. He bent his head joining her lips with his and searching out for her tongue, massaging it lightly with his own "Shall we go to the bedroom, Mrs Jordan?" he winked at her; wrapping an arm around her waist and leading her to the bedroom.

"I'll never get tired of being referred to as that" she whispered, allowing herself to be led to the bedroom. She pulled Nick closer, kissing him soundly; backing her way towards the bed before lying flat and pulling him on top of her, hooking her legs around his waist "Naked and underneath you, just like you wanted" she panted in his ear, biting his earlobe between her teeth "Now hurry up" she urged, unzipping his trousers and pushing them down. She groaned as he pushed himself in, thrusting passionately and taking her to the stars.

"I love you" he groaned as he climaxed, pressing kisses all over her body; a special one right next to her belly button – for their baby "I love you too" he whispered against her abdomen. He straightened himself up, redressing and helping Zoe up from the bed "We'd better get to our wedding reception" he groaned; unhappy to see Zoe slipping her dress back on.

"Lace me up would you?" she winked over her shoulder "We were supposed to be there an hour ago" she laughed. Thankfully there reception was in the ballroom downstairs.

"Shall we Mrs Jordan?" Nick offered Zoe his arm at the entrance to the ballroom.

"We shall, Mr Jordan" Zoe replied, slipping her arm in the crook of his and walking through the door with him.

"About time!" Adam called across the dance floor amongst the cheers, applause and catcalls.

"To the happy couple" came the toast; led by Charlie, as they all raised their glasses to Nick and Zoe.

Nick handed Zoe a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and clinked his glass against hers "To us" he murmured, kissing her lightly.

"To us" she replied, handing their champagne flutes to nearby guests and pulling him onto the dance floor.


	7. Chapter 7

"I can't believe we finally made it" Zoe sighed as she lay with Nick, her husband, on the beach in Cancun, watching the sunrise. She sighed in contentment as Nick rubbed sun screen into her shoulders, she turned around leaning up to kiss him "I love you" she mumbled against his lips. She turned back around lying against his chest, letting her head rest on his shoulder.

"I love you too" he whispered in her ear, rubbing circles into her prominent baby bump "Who'd have thought that it would have been me, of all people, who made an honest woman of you, eh?" he joked, toying with the strings at the back of her bikini top. He kissed the back of her neck, almost unnoticeably pulling the knot undone on her top.

"Oi" Zoe shrieked, as she felt Nick's hands toying with her breasts "We're in a public place" she admonished, trying to hide the mewls of pleasure escaping her lips, she subtly tilted her neck to the side, allowing him to tease kisses down her neck; sucking on her collar bone lightly, not hard enough to leave a mark. "Good job we're alone" she sighed as Nick flipped them over.

"Think we're about to test just how sturdy this sun lounger is..." Nick joked as Zoe wrapped her legs around his waist allowing him to enter her. Thankfully, no one seemed to be on the beach to watch the sunrise that morning or they would have been giving some holiday makers quite the show.

Zoe moaned in pleasure as the familiar burning of pleasure appeared in her stomach and spread throughout her body. "I love you, so much" she mumbled as Nick attached her lips to his, she threw her head back in delight as nick thrust into her one last time; watching the sun rise over the waters in Mexico.

"Mmm, I know" Nick whispered, reaching behind Zoe to retie the strings of her bikini top and slipping is t shirt over her head. He stroked her thigh lightly "I love you too, now come on. Our flight leaves soon" and with that the couple left the peaceful bliss of Mexico, for the hectic working day of Holby.


	8. Chapter 8

"You really should think about maternity leave" Nick encouraged as he lay in bed with Zoe, he was worried about her she was thirty two weeks pregnant and showing no signs of slowing down.

"We've talked about this" she replied, irritably. She was sick of him nagging her. She was fat, hormonal and easily pissed off these days "I'll go on maternity leave when I want to" she snapped at him, rolling out of bed and heading for the shower, she moved slowly and crankily. The baby would not settle today, she had been awake all night and the last thing she needed was Nick forcing her in to giving up work. As much as she tried to deny it to herself, and hadn't mentioned a single thing to Nick she felt no bond with the baby that grew inside her. Nick wanted a baby; Zoe loved Nick. She let the jets of the shower disguise the tears that fell down her face; she wanted to love her baby, truly, but she felt disconnected – mentally and emotionally – from her womb and the life attached to it.

"Zoe, I'm not arguing with you" Nick got straight back onto their discussion before she's fully left their en suite "If you refuse to go on leave then you're not allowed in resus. Cubicles only." He really didn't want to be cross with her but he couldn't help it; she wasn't taking her or the baby's health seriously. He took his turn in the shower hoping Zoe would have calmed down by the time he was ready to leave for work.

"Fuck off" Zoe muttered as Nick made his way to the shower; Nick spent all day in his office he'd never know if she was in resus or not. As far as Zoe was concerned work came first, always had, always would. Dr Hanna was not the maternal type.

Nick and Zoe travelled to work together in silence.

Zoe was in a mood, pregnancy hormone related and Nick refused to pander to her. Until she took the well being of their child seriously Nick was not going to play nicely.

"Just a few announcements" Nick informed the staff at their morning meeting "One; there will be meetings in my office all day – please do not disturb unless it is life or death" he looked at Zoe, knowing she often skived up there "Two; Dr Hanna will no longer be allowed to treat in resus, no matter how much she kicks, screams or begs."

"Don't ever do that to me again" Zoe hissed as they left the staffroom "You made me look like a child" she continued; disdain dripping from her words. She ignored whatever reply Nick had in store, instead wandering across the ED and straight into resus; knowing Nick was watching her. She'd do anything she could to get a rise out of him. That's how they operated; they argued and wound each other up until they had a screaming row and ended up having extremely passionate sex on his desk or wherever they happened to be at said moment in time.

Nick was fuming, Zoe had completely defied his orders and he knew none of the other staff were brave enough to challenge her; except maybe Tess. He had a meeting to be in right now but he'd deal with Zoe later and e had a sinking feeling he'd be on the couch for the foreseeable.

Nick's head was pounding. He was sick to death of talking about budget projections, staffing issues and whatever else Henry was harping on about. The look of rage was obvious as Jay burst unannounced and uninvited into his office "This better be life or death!" he thundered.

"It is" jay replied confidently. "Zoe's gone into labour..."

"Stupid woman" he cursed under his breath, why did she never take his advice "Henry, excuse me" and with that he sprinted to the labour ward ignoring the glances and giggles of those whom he passed.


	9. Chapter 9

"Almost there, sweetheart" Nick encouraged, taking Zoe's hand and allowing her to grasp it tightly.

"Shut up! And get this bloody ting out of me" Zoe raged, she was in no mood for Nick's encouragements and she was beginning to feel more detached than ever from the child insider of her, currently attempting to get out and causing her endless hours of agony. She wanted vodka, and she wanted it now. "This better be over soon" she began to cry, tears falling down her face.

"It will be" Nick replied, stroking Zoe's cheek "Just one more push" he promised, he was trying not to take Zoe's words to heart. He knew she was in pain and he hated seeing her like this.

Zoe heaved with all her might, panting in exertion and gripping onto Nick's hand for dear life.

"You've got a baby girl" The midwife informed Nick and Zoe and she slipped from Zoe's body crying angrily. She wrapped the little girl loosely in a blanket and passed her to Zoe's chest.

Zoe looked at the baby squalling on her and sighed, she wasn't sure what maternal instinct felt like but she certainly wasn't feeling it.

"Look at her Zoe" Nick sighed, he felt the tears forming in his eyes watching his daughter trying to cling onto her mother "Why aren't you touching her?" he asked, he watched Zoe lying on the bed, hands by her side doing nothing to bond with the baby.

"You take her" Zoe sighed wearily, "I need to sleep" she allowed Nick to lift his daughter from her and turned her head away, shutting her eyes. She wished, hoped that she could feel something for the tiny baby but all she wanted to do right now was smoke.

"Zoe, you really need to bond with baby" the midwife tried to encourage her, noticing Zoe's reluctance "she needs to know you, know that you're there for her"

"Well her dad's there, isn't he?" Zoe snapped, not even bothering to open her eyes. She didn't need people telling her what to do. She hissed in pain as the midwife stitched her up, trying to block out everything around her.

"Zoe...please" Nick pleaded, hoping Zoe would come around "she needs her mum, she wants her mum" Nick tried to bargain "she's crying for you" he whispered, trying to rock his daughter into a sleep.

"Just go, will you?" Zoe snapped, turning over on her side not listening to what Nick was saying. She didn't want to listen to a baby crying after what she had just been through.

"Come on" the midwife spoke gently to Nick "Let's get baby settled in the nursery and we'll give mum some space, shall we?" it was her job to make sure mother and baby bonded. Zoe's mentality was worrying; she thought perhaps the psyche team were her best bet in talking Zoe around. "She's just in shock, she'll get there eventually" The midwife tried to reassure Nick.

"I really hope so" Nick replied, placing a kiss to his daughters head as he settled her in the hospital nursery. "Goodnight darling" he whispered.

Zoe lay in bed, tears pouring down her face. Why was she such a selfish cow? She was a terrible mother, not much better of a wife at the moment and her husband was probably about to leave her. She wished she could feel something for that little innocent child that had lain on her chest but she was empty inside and she just wanted everything to go away. She hoped to go that Nick wasn't going to leave her – she needed him.

**Sorry to make Zoe out to be so selfish; obviously I did not want this to happen in S24 but I didn't want to do a whole hearts and flowers, love and hugs kind of story. I wanted to try and get my teeth into a real issue – post natal depression seemed like a good topic. I must say I was completely unimpressed with Connie sitting in Zoe's chair tonight but how cute that Zoe and Nick have stayed in touch! Aww, Nick and Zoe forever. The next few chapters will be up soon and I'll try and put a bit of romance in there. I'm not sure where I'm going with this – I might add a few more twists but please be assured Nick and Zoe will be together in the end! **


	10. Chapter 10

Zoe woke six hours later in the maternity ward, alone. She knew Nick would be with their daughter and as selfish as it sounded she wanted him by her side. She looked around the ward watching other new mothers with their babies and partners beside them. She was jealous, she wanted to be a normal mother but the only thing she had ever known was working and partying. She just didn't know how to be a mother; she couldn't even say what her own daughter looked liked. She wanted her husband back, it was him she loved.

Nick was at his wits end as he stood in the nursery, watching his daughter sleep. His new born daughter hadn't even met her mother and last time he'd gone up to check on Zoe she was still asleep. He didn't understand how she could be so selfish. He wanted his daughter to grow up in a normal family but if he had to make a choice his daughter would come first. Why was Zoe being so unreasonable? He wondered to himself. He didn't want to lose his wife, he loved her but his daughter was top priority.

In the ten hours since she had given birth, four of which she had been wakened Zoe hadn't seen her husband; he hadn't even bothered to ask how she was, if she was ok or if she wanted her baby. The midwife's avoided her like the plague too, she felt like an outcast on their perfect mummy-baby- bonding unit. Zoe took a deep breath and pressed the alarm at the side of her bed. She watched as her midwife entered the room, looking for who had called her. "I want to see my baby" she whispered.

Nick stood by his daughter's cot, holding her tiny hand. He hadn't left her side for the past five hours. He watched the midwife's milling about fixing blankets and soothing babies. They avoided him, whispering sadly about the man whose wife didn't want their child. He was surprised to see the woman who had delivered is daughter making a beeline for his cot. He stood up, hoping there was nothing wrong with Zoe.

"Your wife would like to see her daughter" the midwife told him "She'll need a feed soon; hopefully your wife will express for us" she continued lifting his daughter from the cot and cradling her gently.

Nick snorted; there was a fat chance of Zoe being willing to breastfeed. "Can I take her?" he asked; after all she was his wife. He watched the uncertainty on the midwife's face "We are both doctors and well aware of how to care for a baby" he urged "even if my wife is being stubborn" he tried to joke. The midwife passed the baby back to him and left, slowly and carefully he walked towards the ward where his wife lay, hoping she would finally accept their daughter.

"Hey" Zoe whispered as Nick came onto the ward carrying a sleeping baby in his arms. "I'm so sorry, I've been such a selfish cow" she let the tears fall down her face as she held out her arms for her baby. Zoe didn't understand what had changed but something clicked in her head, all she wanted now was to hold her daughter. She felt terrible for what she had done, like the world's worst mother. "Hello darling" she cooed as Nick passed the baby to her "I'm sorry for being a rubbish mummy" she whispered as the baby in her arms began to cry. Zoe looked at Nick, fearful. "She hates me" she implored to him.

"She doesn't hate you" Nick encouraged, propping Zoe up and sitting behind her, placing his arms under hers to cradle the baby with her. He kissed the back of her neck "She's just hungry" he whispered "Do you want to feed her?" stroking her arm gently.

"I don't know if I can..." Zoe whispered, she felt like a frightened child.

"Of course you can" Nick encouraged her "I'm sure between two doctors we can figure out how to feed a baby" he joked "Are you... are you going to breastfeed her?" he whispered, hoping not to push her into too much too quickly.

"Yeah of course, I think I need to make an effort to bond with her after the way I've been acting. I'm such a cow" she whispered, trying not to upset the baby any further. "Nick, I don't know what to do" she whispered, gesturing to baby.

"Yes you do, you've guided women through it before" he told her, taking the baby from her arms and allowing her to unbutton her pyjama top. "You just need to guide her" he talked her through it; placing the baby back in her arms "That's it" he spoke softly, stroking the top of his daughters head. He watched in amazement as his daughter fed, glad that his wife had bonded with their baby.

"We still need a name for her" Zoe whispered as they lay together a few hours later; a family. Since they had brought her baby in, almost three hours ago she hadn't put her down. Her maternal instinct had finally kicked in and she wasn't going to let her daughter leave her side anytime soon. She was being discharged in the morning anyway, but, until then he daughter would stay with her no matter what the midwife said.

"How about Ruby?" Nick asked.

"I like it" Zoe agreed "Ruby Jordan"


	11. Chapter 11

_Nick Jordan 24__th__ June 1963 – December 26__th__ 2017_

_Loving Husband, doting father and cherished friend_

"_I may not be the best but I'm certainly in the top one"_

_Dearly missed by all_

_R.I.P_

"Goodnight my love" Zoe whispered as she knelt down by the headstone. She had just turned forty and was not a widow and a single mother. Her husband was dead, the man whom she had been through so much with, was gone. She felt broken. The surgery had given him five years to live, he had lasted almost nine. Her husband was a fighter but he couldn't fight anymore. She looked at her daughter, a prefect mix of Zoe and Nick, she knew she would always carry a part of him with her but she was scared. It was Nick who knew what to do when Ruby got upset; it was he who read all those bed time stories. Zoe didn't know how to cope on her own with a seven year old child. No matter, she would cope and she loved her daughter – that was all that mattered. "I love you so, so much. You'll always be in my heart" she placed a single white rose in front of the head stone and put her hand out to Charlie, to help her up. She struggled to move easily with her sizeable bump in the way. Of course Nick Jordan had to leave a lasting legacy – in the shape of the baby boy that nestled inside her belly. If he could have held on just a few weeks more he may have met his son. _Charlie_ _Nicolo_ _Jordan._

"Ready to go?" Charlie asked, as well as the namesake he would be baby Charlie's god father and the support that Zoe was going to need, along with Tess and all their other ED collegues.

Zoe nodded "Say bye to daddy, princess" she told Ruby. She allowed the tears to flow freely as she watched her daughter place a kiss on her father's tombstone.

"Love you daddy" Ruby whispered.

"Give me a minute alone, will you Charlie?" she nodded her head to Ruby, motioning for Charlie to take her away.

He nodded swiftly "Come on angel, let's go find Aunty Tess"

"I love you Nick Jordan" Zoe whispered "Even though you were infuriating at times. You're the only man I've ever loved and I don't think that will ever change" she wiped away the fast falling tears and stroked a hand over her belly. "I'm sorry you never got to meet your son" she said sadly "And Ruby misses you, she was definitely a Daddy's girl" she turned to walk away but found herself rooted to the spot "I don't know how to go on without you" she confessed "You were my everything, my soul mate and I never stop thinking about you. About how you smell, how I feel when you touch me... I can't believe I'll never kiss you again" the tears were quick in returning "Just know that I will always love you and never forget you, ever" she chuckled as she read over the quote on his gravestone, a Nick Jordan original. He was right though, he was the best at everything he done.

"And Nick Jordan never, ever gets it wrong" Zoe murmured.

"I love you" she said one last time before finding the strength to walk away.

She turned her head back to look at his grave just before the exit "I'll never let go" she whispered blowing a kiss to him.


End file.
